The Ultimate Ninjutsu
by taking it easy
Summary: Kakashi never expected this. The Bell Test had been genius - no balanced team of fresh genin could feasibly take on a seasoned jounin and emerge victorious. Even if the goal was to just get a bell, they still should have lost. That was the point. Three genin were NOT supposed to get that bell, so how did the Dead Last succeed ALONE of all things! That stupid jutsu...


The Village Hidden in the Tree Leaves, name often shortened to Konoha, was a large village surrounded by large trees. In the middle of the village was a sizeable mountain, in which had been carved the faces of the villages leaders, the Fire Shadows, also known as the Hokage.

There had been four Hokage to date. The First, who founded the village and created the forest surrounding with his unique Wood Style ninjutsu; the Second, brother of the First and founder of the actual government behind the village; the Third, who lived the longest and retired instead of dying in office as his predecessors did; and the Fourth, who died twelve years prior to save the village from a horrendous beast: The Nine-Tailed Fox, or Kyuubi.

Despite the Fourth dying, no Fifth Hokage was chosen. The Third Hokage, Hiruzen Sarutobi, instead took the office again, as no one else was deemed fit to run the village at the time.

As such, it was the Lord Third who was sitting in the Hokage office on a given morning when Iruka Umino came in to speak.

Iruka Umino was a chuunin – the second lowest rung on the ninja ladder if one didn't count academy students – and the teacher of Konoha's Ninja Academy. He had just a few days before today witnessed his class graduate to become genin – the lowest rung excluding students. One of his pupils (and arguably his _favorite_ ) was one Naruto Uzumaki, a young trouble maker who only barely passed.

It was because Naruto passed the graduation exam, and subsequently was placed on the ninja squad Team Seven, that led to Iruka's arrival in the Hokage office on this day, in fact. The teacher intended to inquire about the _leader_ of Naruto's new team: Kakashi Hatake, jounin (the rung above chunin).

"It says here," Iruka exclaimed, reading a small record book about Kakashi, "That he's _failed_ every team assigned to him!"

Kakashi had failed _every_ team assigned to him. He did not care to teach children the way of ninja. He just wanted to read his porn and mourn his late friends and family. Unfortunately for him, the Hokage had other plans, and assigned him a brand new team of graduates every year.

He had awoken at eight that morning, an hour after when the graduates were told to meet. He then took his time actually arriving at the training grounds he had specified.

If asked, Kakashi would claim it was a ploy to keep the genin-hopefuls irritated and off their best. Honestly, he was just being a jerk.

Upon his eventual appearance, Kakashi heard a chorus of, "You're late!" Which he ignored in favor of setting up an alarm clock.

He promptly explained, "It's set for noon." Kakashi revealed to small bells hanging on red strings, "Your job will be to acquire these bells before it goes off. If you fail to get them, then you'll go without lunch." He pointed to three training posts off to the side. "I'll tie you to a post and you'll be forced to watch as I eat _my_ lunch."

Three stomachs growled like music to his ears. He could tell by the looks on their faces that they had all foolishly taken his advice to not eat breakfast.

"Wait!" The girl, a pink-haired one by the name of Sakura Haruno spoke up, "There are three of us, how come there are only two bells?"

Kakashi let himself feel a small bit a sadistic glee, "That way," He explicated, "At least _one_ of you will end up tied to a post and ultimately disqualified for failing to complete the mission." He jingled the bells for emphasis. " _That_ one goes back to the academy. Of course, all three of you could flunk, too.

"You may use any weapon you choose. If you're not prepared to kill me, you won't be able to take the bells."

Kakashi relished the moment as the blonde kid, Naruto Uzumaki, insulted him and cockily stated his assurance of victory. After a little episode where Naruto jumped the gun and Kakashi showcased just how much faster he was than the three – _they barely even saw him move! –_ Kakashi started the exam, and watched two figures jump into the foliage behind them.

The jounin stared disinterestedly at Naruto, who didn't bother to move.

"You're not like the others…"

"You and me sensei! Fair and square, ya know!" Naruto's whiskered face set into a fierce, determined glare and he charged the older man.

Kakashi reached into his hip pouch, grabbing an object that Naruto could not see.

Naruto stopped, seeing his sensei reaching for a weapon, and paused to see what he would be up against.

"Shinobi battle tactics, part one: Taijutsu." The gray haired man said.

 _Taijutsu? That's hand to combat, so why is he reaching for a weapon…_ Naruto watched carefully as his sensei pulled out an orange…

A book?

"Why're you reading that book?"

"To find out what happens, of course."

"We're in the middle of combat!"

"So?"

"'So?'!?"

"It doesn't matter. You're too weak to land a hit anyway."

Naruto growled at that and charged, glaring at the masked man all the way. "I'm going to _crush_ you, ya know!" He watched the smug face – he assumed it was smug behind the mask – that read the book. _What was that book anyway,_ Icha Icha Paradise _?!_ _This guy's a pervert!_ Naruto smirked as he swerved a bit, just enough to be heading toward the jounin from the front, and with his hands just within Kakashi's blindspot created by the book.

"I'll show _you_ battle tactics!" Molding his chakra and lunging toward the man, Naruto performed his own original technique.

"Sexy Jutsu!"

 _Icha Icha Paradise_ was a smutty adult novel by a man named Jiraiya. Naruto discovered it and the rest of the _Icha Icha Saga_ by accident when looking for other books by the same man. He had once read _Tales of a Gutsy Ninja_ when he found out that he shared a name with the main character.

Of course, the curiosity of a pubescent boy led him to read every single piece of smut he'd found after that, alongside many a porn magazine. This was the course of action that led to his creating the Sexy Jutsu in the first place. And since he had read _Icha Icha Paradise_ before (it was in his top three favorites, in fact) he knew just how to play this next part.

Thus, Kakashi suddenly found himself enveloped in the arms of Seiko-chan, the dark-haired heroine of the very book he was reading at that moment.

"Oh, Kashi-kun…" came the sultry voice of the busty female, quoting word for word the text of the book, only replacing the male protagonist's name with Kakashi's, "It feels so _good_ to see you again. Although," she glanced down quickly, a motion all too visible to the trained jounin's eye, "I liked it better last time, didn't you?"

In his head, Naruto grinned maliciously as he spotted a wet mark growing around the nose of the jounin's mask. She reached down towards the man's crotch before –

Naruto, armed with a kunai, plunged his weapon toward Kakashi's hip.

Coming to his senses an instant soon enough, the jounin twisted barely out of the way before easily kicking Naruto away, sending the blonde skidding across the ground and into a training post, where he lay unmoving.

Pinching his nose to stem any bleeding, Kakashi muttered to himself about cold showers.

Sakura glared at the unconscious blonde, absolutely disgusted by how pathetic he must have been to need to resort to a joke techinique. She was even more appalled when she noticed the bloodstain on Kakashi's mask. _It's a good thing Sasuke's not a pervert._

Glaring at the gray-haired figure who was still standing in the open and muttering, Sakura completely missed it when Kakashi sneaked up behind her.

Suddenly she heard a rustling and whipped around to defend herself before spotting a very red Sasuke. A very red, very _naked_ Sasuke, who seemed to be furiously masturbating the view he had just witnessed. Sakura was unsure whether she felt so warm because of the embarrassment or indignation she felt, but nevertheless, she went redder than the Sasuke she saw before fainting, her inner shouts of perverted glee going unheard to all.

Kakashi eyed the flush on her face before wondering just what the hell-viewing genjutsu showed her.

Sasuke Uchiha was an avenger. He needed to grow stronger so he could terminate the man by whom his clan was killed. He needed to train extensively and intensively, and he felt he was unable to do that while held back by two _incompetent fuzzbags._ Sakura was very intelligent, and Naruto was – admittedly – good at distracting people. Both qualities were useful for a ninja lifestyle, but the two had been dispatched pathetically easily.

As such, he intended to get _both_ bells, and leave both of them behind. So as soon he found an opening, he threw several shuriken at the gray-haired man.

A substitution was, of course, employed in the sake of not getting skewered, but that did nothing to stop Sasuke from pressing on the attack. Nearly tackling the jounin, Sasuke plunged a kunai towards the back of his neck.

Kakashi was quickly able to disarm Sasuke and push him back however.

Sasuke, flying through three hand seals he knew well, did manage to surprise Kakashi, who did not know the dark-haired boy had enough chakra to perform fire style jutsu.

Nonetheless, Kakashi still used the cover as an opportunity to sink _into_ the ground. From there, it was mere child's play – _Pun intended,_ Kakashi chuckled to himself – to trap Sasuke in the topsoil.

Kakashi carried an unconscious Sakura as Sasuke begrudgingly followed him toward the training posts after the alarm had sounded. There, they saw a now awake Naruto enjoying one of the three bento.

Unceremoniously, Kakashi plopped Sakura down on the ground and admonished the blonde. "I said you wouldn't get to eat unless you got a bell, Naruto. I guess you'll be tied to a post instead of Sakura."

Naruto looked up at the intimidating ninja. Smirking, he held up an unmistakable object, a single silver bell, shining in the sun. The other two conscious people in the clearing balked at the sight before hastily checking Kakashi's waist which indeed held only one bell.

The masked man sputtered for only a second before staring unabashedly at the boy.

 _Shit._

Shaking his head, he silently tied up Sakura before telling the two boys, "Alright, you two can eat, but _don't_ give Sakura any. I need to report to the Hokage now, I'll be back in a little while. Stay put."

Kakashi left a shadow clone behind to watch the boys while he headed to the Hokage office.

 _Knock. Knock_. Hiruzen was surprised to find Kakashi at the door to his office. The jounin was late to everything, barring missions of B-rank and above, and the jounin sensei meeting was not to occur for another three hours yet.

"Ah, Lord Hokage? You were the one who came up with the bell test, correct?"

Puzzled as to why one of his best jounin would appear so utterly confounded as Kakashi did right now, Hiruzen could only confirm the fact.

"And the whole point is that a single student should _not_ be able to get a bell, right?"

Seeing where the conversation was going, Hiruzen found himself surprised. If Kakashi was saying this, that implied that…

"Did Sasuke actually manage to get one?" The Third blurted it out before he thought about it. Sure, the Uchiha boy was talented, but surely not enough to one up _Kakashi of the Sharingan_ , even if he were surprised.

"Er, no… Naruto did." Kakashi replied sheepishly.

A bit of red creeped up Kakashi's visible ear, drawing Hiruzen's attention to Kakashi's face, where he noticed a small stain on his mask, almost as if he had a –

"Ah, I see." Hiruzen chortled, "So _that_ technique got you, hm?"

 _Pervy Ninjutsu for the win._


End file.
